Archive for November, 2006


Wednesday, November 8th, 2006

Fresh off the printer in Speaker Pelosi’s office, the official legislative agenda for the new Democratic Congress:

• Make straight marriage illegal; gay marriage mandatory

• Ban Christmas: replace with Celebrate our Monkey Ancestors Day

• Pass out drug-filled condoms in schools; replace Pledge of Allegiance with morning flag-burning

• Return Texas to Mexico

• Confirm Osama Bin Laden as Secretary of State; withdraw from Iraq, apologize, reinstate Hussein

• Triple all taxes, confiscate all fortunes over $250,000

• Ditch Lincoln; add Carter to Mount Rushmore

• Make Tofurkey official Thanksgiving dish

• Allow harvesting of stem cells from any child under the age of 8

• Change final line of national anthem to “Land of the French and the home of the brave”

• Replace border fence with free shuttle buses

• Find comatose people to grind up and feed to poor

• Dissolve Executive Branch: reassign responsibilities to UN

• Establish quarterly mandatory abortion lottery

• Appoint Jane Fonda Secretary of Appeasement

• Ship God to off Guantanamo

(Adapted from The Right was Right)

long tunnel, some light at last

Wednesday, November 8th, 2006

I will now dare to exhale, one time. Thank you, America, for not breaking my heart for a change.

Still, I can’t decide if this makes me less likely to be hauled off to a secret prison, or more.

There’s a lot of work to do.